Design for Dysregulation

How to Build Routines, Environments, and Expectations that Actually Work—Even When Chaos is the Norm

It’s 8:13 a.m.

You’ve been up since 2 a.m.—because, autism. And why would we sleep when we could bounce off the walls?

The toast is burnt. One sock is missing. Your child is mid-meltdown over a tag in their shirt. And school started 13 minutes ago.

If you’ve ever tried to hold your household together in the middle of full-blown chaos, this post is for you. Because here’s the truth: dysregulation isn’t a detour—it’s the road.

For kids with disabilities and their caregivers, overwhelm isn’t occasional—it’s daily life. Instead of trying to fix it or muscle through it, what if we designed our routines around it?

Let’s talk about how to build systems that don’t fall apart the minute things go sideways. The kind that keeps you moving forward—one loop, one cue, one deep breath at a time.

Dysregulation Isn’t Misbehavior

Dysregulation is often mistaken for bad behavior. In reality, it’s the nervous systems cry for help. Sensory, emotional, and cognitive overload crashing in all at once.

My son Caden doesn’t spiral to inconvenience me (even though at my worst it certainly feels this way.) He does it because the world is overwhelming. But after five nights of barely sleeping? I’m not exactly Zen either. On those days, even making dinner feels like climbing Everest.

If you're in this season too, know this: You’re not alone. You're not broken. And you're definitely not doing it wrong. You're simply trying to survive in a world that wasn’t built with you—or your child—in mind.

Why “Normal” Systems Don’t Work

Mainstream routines assume consistency, regulation, and predictability. Cute in theory—disastrous in practice.

Take our once-successful morning routine. It worked... until Caden’s bus driver retired mid-year. Suddenly, bus times became completely unpredictable, and every morning unraveled into a meltdown marathon.

So we threw out the old system and built a new one. Now, instead of timing our routine to the bus, Caden gets fully ready and waits calmly in the front room—whether the bus shows up at 7:20 or 7:55.

It wasn’t easy for either of us. But it worked.

That’s the reality behind most of our “successes”: not perfection—adaptation.

And adaptation takes energy. A lot of energy. Some days, I'm out of steam before 8 a.m. That’s why cue-based systems became my secret weapon. They run in the background—silently, reliably. Some days I walk into a room and think, Oh hey, the dishwasher’s already been emptied. Not magic. Just design.

You’re not failing because those rigid charts and zone-cleaning calendars never worked for you. You’re living in a world that wasn’t designed for your reality.

Build Like It’s All Going to Fall Apart (Because It Might)

Designing for dysregulation means building with the worst-case scenario in mind.

It means preparing for the morning where the bird chirping outside, the wrong snack packaging, and the invisible emotional landmine all hit at the same time.

That’s why I started doing a nightly walkthrough. Sometimes it’s a full tidy-up. Sometimes, it’s just setting the coffee pot for tomorrow. Either way, it’s a way to close the loop—and congratulate myself for still being upright.

Over time, this evolved into what I call “cue systems”—habits that aren’t tied to a time or a mood, just environmental cues that keep things moving, no matter what’s happening around me.

This kind of design includes:

• Flexible routines – Structure without rigidity

• We take a bath everyday - sometimes at 2pm other days it is just before bed.
  
  

• Environmental cues – Lighting, visuals, zones

• Bedrooms all have the lowest wattage bulb possible

• We have visual schedule boards to support times when communication gets tough.

• Calming down does not happen in the kitchen where there are knives…
  
  

• Permission-based expectations – Some days will be messy, and that’s okay
  
  

Try These Tiny Shifts This Week

You don’t need a massive overhaul or color-coded bins to feel better. Try one of these simple changes this week:

Create a Reset Corner
Caden has a safe space where the only goal is to “get his life together.” When dysregulation hits, I calmly repeat, “We need to go to your room to calm down,” with slow, audible breaths in between. No extra words. No pressure. Just space. 

 This started with a simple rug to identify the space we go to calm down - also helpful if you travel.

Use Visual Timers or Task Strips
We rely on a daily visual board and an oversized calendar. I over-prepare for transitions, and while I’m no Mary Poppins, I’ve learned “prepared enough” is a real win. 

 This does not need to be fancy.  Taping a piece of paper with a calendar on it to the wall or using a clipboard with a visual schedule gets everyone in the practice of using it.

Teach One Coping Phrase at a Time
We practice short scripts in the calm moments—so when chaos hits, there’s at least one tool ready. One phrase. One practice. That’s it.

Involve Your Child in the Day’s Flow
Caden is home full-time now, so we’ve started letting him help shape his schedule. He chooses between a bath now or later, or earns a Diet Coke after a task. Choice equals control. Control equals calm.

Remember, the goal isn't control. It’s collaboration.

Systems That Bend So You Don’t Break

Let’s be real: caregiving requires more mental gymnastics than any CEO gig I’ve ever seen. And no two days are the same.

You need systems that flex with your life, not fight against it.

“Clean as you go” isn’t about spotless counters—it’s about saving your future self from overwhelm. The more background work your system does, the more space you have to show up—not as a perfect parent, but as a human one.

Dysregulation isn’t going away. But when you design for it, you stop feeling like you're constantly losing the battle.

Designing for dysregulation is designing for real life.
And you’re allowed to stop pretending that real life is tidy.

Want More? You're Not Alone.

This journey is hard—but you don’t have to do it alone.

💬 Join my free Facebook group: Productivity for Real Life—a supportive community where we share systems, swap stories, and celebrate tiny wins. No judgment. No shame. Just real talk and smart tools for people who are caregiving through the chaos.

Because you deserve support built for your reality.